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Anger.
That's where I left off from last time.
I was determined to hit the roads again, and run.
I was determined I would keep doing the things that I loved doing.
The things that I had become so dependent upon.
The very things that I was told I should no longer do.
The things that I
NEEDED
to do, especially when stress overcame me.
The sad part is, I was looking inward, and not upward.
This has not only been a physical and emotional journey;
it's been a spiritual journey.
As long as I can remember, I have always dealt with stress by being active.
Most people think I am calm...
I internalize everything, so it gives off the appearance of "calm."
My family knows that I am a nut case.
And all that bottled up energy needs somewhere to go.
When I was younger, I would go outside and shoot basketball for hours...
The bouncing ball used to drive my mother bonkers. :-)
When I started homeschooling, running became my outlet.
In case you weren't aware...homeschooling can be a little stressful ;-)
So, I decided I no longer had Ehlers Danlos Syndrome...for all of 1 mile.
I tried multiple times, and every time I was reminded by my body that it was no longer able to do what I wanted it to do.
The stress had no where to go, so it manifested itself through nightmares.
I got to the point where I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn't know what horrible thing I would dream of next.
Every time I started to look inward, searching for an answer to alleviate the stress, the voice of the Lord would say, "It's Me you need, not running."
Being the control freak that I am, I dug my heals in, and said, "No. That's not what I want. I need to run. That's how I will get through all of this."
I can really picture God up there in heaven, sitting back, smiling, crossing his fingers across His chest, and saying, "Okay. I'll just sit here and wait until you're ready. Because you will change your mind."
And I did.
It took several months of anger, crying, being frustrated, and finally realizing that this was not going away.
I had to get over the feeling of hopelessness.
I also had to get through the guilt.
Why would I have guilt?
Because there is a 50% chance of passing Ehlers Danlos Syndrome to your children.
And that little girl right there has it.
She has not been formerly diagnosed because the geneticist wanted to wait until both were 12 years old before testing them.
However, she is on the same timeline that I was on.
She is my mini-me in every way imaginable.
She and I have shed a lot of tears together over the last few months.
Fortunately, the Lord has shown me grace and given me the strength and wisdom to help her work through some of the same mental road blocks.
Little man has not shown as many signs, thankfully.
He's bendy, but doesn't seem to struggle with the other symptoms. He's got his daddy's hardiness.
So what do I do to stay strong?
I hired a personal trainer, who comes to my house twice a week because I ain't got time to be running all over creation.;-)
She helps motivate me and keeps me on track.
We use this book as our guide book.
It's super boring and slow, but it really does make a difference.
At first, I wouldn't use it because I felt it was beneath me. The exercises were too easy.
Pride sure does get in my way, doesn't it?
But, after a few weeks of using it, and staying true to the exercises, my subluxations are becoming less frequent.
Hallelu-yer.
Ehlers Danlos patience will also show signs of gluten intolerance and symptoms of Celiacs disease without being officially diagnosed.
We switched over to Paleo, and it has made a world of difference in both of us.
Joint pain and stomach pain have decreased in both of us, and we generally just feel better.
Sister is on acid reflux medicine currently, and we're hoping to get her off of that in a few weeks.
I'm also working on a supplement plan that is catered to my needs.
There are days when life is great, I'm feeling good, and the acceptance is there, and then there are days when I feel terrible, and everything hurts, and I get angry about it.
The ick days are when I have to lean extra hard on God.
And can I just say that hubby has been my rock through this whole process. He has been so patient, and kind. He has watched me battle internally this entire year.
He is there to hold me when I need a shoulder to cry on.
He is there when I need a voice of reason.
He is there to pray for me.
He is there.
No matter how awful I feel, I have him.
I have my children.
I have God.
Therefore, I want for nothing.
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